The Lighter Side of Nicotine

When one smokes a cigarette, chemicals stampede through the brain: dopamine, acetylcholine, norepinephrine, vasopressin, arginine, beta-endorphin. Some, like dopamine, stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. Others, like acetylcholine and norepinephrine, enhance alertness. Pain and anxiety are reduced by beta-endorphin. Nicotine also cause the brain to release glutamate, a chemical tied to memory. This potent chemical cocktail alleviates the side effects of Alzheimer's and Tourette's. On top of all this, a group of chemical compounds found in tobacco smoke act as MAO Inhibitors. That's right; tobacco smoke is an anti-depressant.

Of course, we're all familiar with the negative side effects of smoking. Emphysema, cancer, blah blah. But recently, a friend of mine in his early 20s had his annual check-up with his doctor. After confirming that, yes, he was still smoking, my friend resigned himself to the requisite doctor lecture. Surprisingly, the doctor replied, "Don't bother quitting; by the time you get cancer, they'll have a cure for it."

Sure, it's silly of me to place faith in that, but I'm feeling pretty optimistic right now - I just had a cigarette.

Cigarettes don't kill people, Wendy's kills people.

Back in 2005, I was travelling across the country with my brother. Eschewing food tourism, we settled for the most convenient options which ended up being a lot of fast food. For those who haven't taken a road trip; in a fast food restaurant off of the freeway, hundreds of miles from anywhere remotely familiar, is where existential despair and physical disgust meet in horrible and orgiastic exultation.

In North Carolina, we stopped at a Wendy's. A gust of stale air, reeking of boiling vegetable oil and Lysol, met us as we entered. After ordering, we found a table and waited. Finding an ashtray amongst the paper napkins and salt shakers was a revelation: "Good Lord, we can smoke in here?" It was the veritable dawn of the Sabbath at the end of Mussorgsky's "Night on Bald Mountain.". The cigarettes we quickly lit exuded a most glorious smoke that formed a barrier between us and all the evil that surrounded. The malaise, the sickening odor, the acne-causing, oil-soaked air were all gone. Only the bittersweet tobacco smoke remained. We ate half of a lukewarm burger and left.

Today, smoking is banned in all North Carolina bars and restaurants. That life-saving ashtray in Wendy's has long since disappeared. There is no protection from the smell of oil, or from the despair.

Smoking tobacco suppresses the appetite. The same appetite that is responsible for our obesity epidemic. The same epidemic that has higher healthcare costs than smoking.

Let's stop the despair. Let's stop obesity. Let's have a cigarette.

A Love Letter

Dear Tobacco,

I know that you haven't had the easiest time recently, and I know that sometimes it must be hard to go on. You must be feeling that you've been singled out, been made a scapegoat. I am writing to let you know that I have never believed the lies they tell about you. This bullshit consensus about your effects is hardly backed up by the medical literature; you and I both know that. Meanwhile, exorbitant taxes have out-priced you for anyone below a certain income level. It's a clear case of economic discrimination - like the poll tax, except not as racist(or is it...?)

You have never been anything but a good friend to me. You celebrated the good times with me and were there to cheer me up during the bad. You helped me escape innumerable awkward situations and parties. What's more, without you I wouldn't have made so many great friends. For instance, when Andrew and I first met, our clandestine smoke breaks during free period brought us together and forged an invaluable friendship.

I know that Mike Bloomberg doesn't want us to see each other anymore, but fuck him. He can't keep true love down.

Take heart, Tobacco -- you have not been forgotten. There are still over a billion of us in the world. And the next time you start feeling depressed, ask Alcohol to tell you about Prohibition.

Love, Luke